TURMOIL.....................................

Yet again here I come. I was disturbed, very disturbed. My thought process had yet again kicked off as often rather than seldom. I yet again came in face with the reality that I was hallucinated that I was plumed by the goodies of life. Here I was disturbed yet again. I thought I was in an anachronous state with regards to time. I felt I never belonged here in the first place. I yet again was contemplating and retrospecting. As he Bruce Dickenson says “Reflecting on my past life, it doesn’t have much time”, I felt I need to a lot more in life and need to grow a lot more, reach my destination ASAP because I feel am running out of time. After all the life is always a race against time. I was again lost in the chaos of thoughts. It led me back to those great men who achieved success, shot a goal, reached their destination and rose to the epitome of greatness of what their pursuit was.

I shed my thoughts off. It was time. My shift had ended; a long night had come to an end with the rays of the sun intervening with the dark world of mine. I said to myself its time I called it a day rather a night. I got up, shed my inhibitions of facing the bright new world as they say, rather the light. I informed the boys and left for the day. I said to myself that I needed to meditate to allay my brainstorming sessions of my contemplation.

I started my bike, left to home thinking I still have to come back to the same place in the very evening of the same day.

It was balmy Thursday morning rather a hot one. I felt that the summer had not hit this day yet. I reached home with a strong will to meditate. I performed my ablutions and sat down to concentrate on a vague point somewhere in the twilight zone which I always imagine being static and tend to concentrate on the same. Oh the entanglement of bunch of threads of chaos had struck me again. I could not concentrate on what I intended to do.

I was lost; I was overcome by the destitution of power to concentrate. As I sit still trying yet to concentrate on the vague point, I still felt that I did not belong here.

I finally started meditating. But yet I could listen a faint whine in the back of my mind, the frustration still persists..... the chaos still continues…. It’s persisting so much that I am just being banal and I am just not being able to put my thoughts across. Well, as I try very hard to concentrate thoughts keep coming back. I again question myself what I am doing in life at this point of time? My MBA degree to which I couldn’t get through to haunts me, the pain that I couldn’t make it to the theatre world hurts me more. I wanted to do more in life and not just work through the night. What’s happening with my life here?

I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to perform. So I wanted to be a part of the theatre. I wanted to be rich. I wanted to money. So I wanted to do an MBA. The plan was foiled. Those guys sitting on top there decided that they wouldn’t give me a call letter. I was disappointed, frustrated, fuming, pissed off with life, I wanted to break loose from the social constraints. I thought I will spend some time with my solitude. Those people back at home whom I call them as my own started grilling their teeth at my inefficiency. They don’t understand either that I am anachronous. I don’t belong to your damn society. I don’t want to be yet another software professional. I don’t want to make million bucks an year. Of course I want to be rich, rich in my own way. I just want to be rich that I can take care of my owns self. I don’t want to be an MBA. Leave me alone, I want to get lost. I want to be just myself. Oh freak show….. What am I doing?

These things kept coming back and back again and yet again while I sit there and trying to concentrate. I couldn’t concentrate any more. I left that place returned to my solitude. My contemplation of the existence and the survival and the struggle of the life started yet again. Does this happen with every one? Or is it the chaotic state of mind that makes me think this way? I often see others; they seem so happy and gay as they have achieved what they intended to. Have they really? Or is it a mere affectation of being gay? Doesn’t he … that man at the end of my street who is software pro who takes home something like 70-80k have some dreams which he feels like realizing it? Or did he never have a dream? Was what his present state was an ambition? C’mon he has been in that industry for more than 8 yrs now… he is still a senior coder… no inventions, no innovations , no contributions from his side to the industry…. Was this his ambition? Should I’ve had a dream which I had to nurture and go on to become a coder because that paid?

This is not happening, I said to my self. I came back to reality. I still am bogged down by that chaotic turmoil. Is there an end for this? Wavering thoughts wandering thought processes…. Does life has something better to offer to me? Does it? “August summer night…..soldiers passing by ….. Listening to the winds of change” smile across on my face…. This is so chaotic… the next moment “Hallowed be thy name” was running on the back of my mind…… thoughts again…. Will my name ever be hallowed? Will it?

Chaos chaos and more chaos….. Turmoil again…… There it strikes me two sayings from my college days… those were the best days of my life……”life is a bitch ….fuck it” on the contrary “nobody dies a virgin here…. Life fucks every one” … what a fantastic example how life can take a dual role. Anyway yet again on a balmy summer Thursday morning I felt life sucks…just sucks… call it gravity or myth….but life truly sucks…. Signing off… yet again a whole lotta crap which doesn’t make sense to anybody…….

Adieos amigos…… will be back again sooon with some more crap

Arrivederci

HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE