TURMOIL.....................................

Yet again here I come. I was disturbed, very disturbed. My thought process had yet again kicked off as often rather than seldom. I yet again came in face with the reality that I was hallucinated that I was plumed by the goodies of life. Here I was disturbed yet again. I thought I was in an anachronous state with regards to time. I felt I never belonged here in the first place. I yet again was contemplating and retrospecting. As he Bruce Dickenson says “Reflecting on my past life, it doesn’t have much time”, I felt I need to a lot more in life and need to grow a lot more, reach my destination ASAP because I feel am running out of time. After all the life is always a race against time. I was again lost in the chaos of thoughts. It led me back to those great men who achieved success, shot a goal, reached their destination and rose to the epitome of greatness of what their pursuit was.

I shed my thoughts off. It was time. My shift had ended; a long night had come to an end with the rays of the sun intervening with the dark world of mine. I said to myself its time I called it a day rather a night. I got up, shed my inhibitions of facing the bright new world as they say, rather the light. I informed the boys and left for the day. I said to myself that I needed to meditate to allay my brainstorming sessions of my contemplation.

I started my bike, left to home thinking I still have to come back to the same place in the very evening of the same day.

It was balmy Thursday morning rather a hot one. I felt that the summer had not hit this day yet. I reached home with a strong will to meditate. I performed my ablutions and sat down to concentrate on a vague point somewhere in the twilight zone which I always imagine being static and tend to concentrate on the same. Oh the entanglement of bunch of threads of chaos had struck me again. I could not concentrate on what I intended to do.

I was lost; I was overcome by the destitution of power to concentrate. As I sit still trying yet to concentrate on the vague point, I still felt that I did not belong here.

I finally started meditating. But yet I could listen a faint whine in the back of my mind, the frustration still persists..... the chaos still continues…. It’s persisting so much that I am just being banal and I am just not being able to put my thoughts across. Well, as I try very hard to concentrate thoughts keep coming back. I again question myself what I am doing in life at this point of time? My MBA degree to which I couldn’t get through to haunts me, the pain that I couldn’t make it to the theatre world hurts me more. I wanted to do more in life and not just work through the night. What’s happening with my life here?

I wanted to be an actor. I wanted to perform. So I wanted to be a part of the theatre. I wanted to be rich. I wanted to money. So I wanted to do an MBA. The plan was foiled. Those guys sitting on top there decided that they wouldn’t give me a call letter. I was disappointed, frustrated, fuming, pissed off with life, I wanted to break loose from the social constraints. I thought I will spend some time with my solitude. Those people back at home whom I call them as my own started grilling their teeth at my inefficiency. They don’t understand either that I am anachronous. I don’t belong to your damn society. I don’t want to be yet another software professional. I don’t want to make million bucks an year. Of course I want to be rich, rich in my own way. I just want to be rich that I can take care of my owns self. I don’t want to be an MBA. Leave me alone, I want to get lost. I want to be just myself. Oh freak show….. What am I doing?

These things kept coming back and back again and yet again while I sit there and trying to concentrate. I couldn’t concentrate any more. I left that place returned to my solitude. My contemplation of the existence and the survival and the struggle of the life started yet again. Does this happen with every one? Or is it the chaotic state of mind that makes me think this way? I often see others; they seem so happy and gay as they have achieved what they intended to. Have they really? Or is it a mere affectation of being gay? Doesn’t he … that man at the end of my street who is software pro who takes home something like 70-80k have some dreams which he feels like realizing it? Or did he never have a dream? Was what his present state was an ambition? C’mon he has been in that industry for more than 8 yrs now… he is still a senior coder… no inventions, no innovations , no contributions from his side to the industry…. Was this his ambition? Should I’ve had a dream which I had to nurture and go on to become a coder because that paid?

This is not happening, I said to my self. I came back to reality. I still am bogged down by that chaotic turmoil. Is there an end for this? Wavering thoughts wandering thought processes…. Does life has something better to offer to me? Does it? “August summer night…..soldiers passing by ….. Listening to the winds of change” smile across on my face…. This is so chaotic… the next moment “Hallowed be thy name” was running on the back of my mind…… thoughts again…. Will my name ever be hallowed? Will it?

Chaos chaos and more chaos….. Turmoil again…… There it strikes me two sayings from my college days… those were the best days of my life……”life is a bitch ….fuck it” on the contrary “nobody dies a virgin here…. Life fucks every one” … what a fantastic example how life can take a dual role. Anyway yet again on a balmy summer Thursday morning I felt life sucks…just sucks… call it gravity or myth….but life truly sucks…. Signing off… yet again a whole lotta crap which doesn’t make sense to anybody…….

Adieos amigos…… will be back again sooon with some more crap

Arrivederci

HASTA LA VICTORIA SIEMPRE

KANASU..... A DREAM

...............I'd been lazing around for a while a couple of days back.... was watching something really stupid on the idiot box which put me off to sleep.... rather would called it a slumber.... now i reckon that idiot box show was probably the best lullaby i'd ever lent my ears in a while.... wow man!! i slept like a log really..... to catch up with some good sleep seldom makes me lucky n happy.... hmmm i think i was scripting what happened a couple of days back... .. i dozed off into a deep slumber.... i guess i dreamt... what a vague dream it was !!! my god got up sweating..... previously i was watching a movie called "BANGRADA JINKE" . I dreamt about an excavation that i was cermoniusly performing in search of some ancient treasure..... shift of scenario to more of sepia colour mode.... i was an onlooking spectator of a conspiracy of a bomb being planted on a raliway track in the late 1930's to derail the oncoming train in which the viceroy of the them british occupied INDIA Lord Irvin was travelling.... an amazing conspiracy that gave goosbumps to millions of indians..... alas!!!! the conspiracy fails ....the revolutionaries are being chased by the police .... they assume that i am one of them too... i ran as fast as i could..... i was sweating .... just a gunshot heard and a bullet whizzes past my ears... i wake up sweating profusely.... courtesy of the second part of my mindboggling and a truely adventerous dream.... "AJEYA" a biography of one of the ultimate revolutionaries and a great son to mother india...... "CHANDRASHEKHARA AZAAD".

I did my usal chores after i got up and started with the usual contemplation that i do very often.... why people dream??? what is the logic behind the dreams... ... I guess most of the people know that it is the active work behaviour of the subconscious mind while the conscious mind is put to rest..... but why humans tend to remember the horrendous dreams that they have dreamt... why not the happy and gay(no pun intended) dreams.... why not?? then suddenly flashed something i had long read and forgotten theory proposed by "SIGMUND FREUD" the father of psychology... " THE DREAM INTERPRETATION"......

Here what it is...... i was happy once again... i found an affable result for my contemplation...
there would be to concepts that come into picture when a human is dreaming...... one can actually observe this in person.... the rapid eye movement (rem) & the non rapid eye movement(nrem)..... what happens and why we tend to remember a bad dream or a unpleasant dream and why not the affable amiable pleasant dreams.... i've heard ppl say that they do not dream at all... which i guess is very false as per the theory proposed by the mama freud(local slanguage).... the unpleasant dreams are remembered since it occurs in the rem period of the sleep ..... when the unpleasant happenings and the unpleasant activation of the subconscious mind grows stronger and stronger.... which is directly related to the dream ... .. so the man although in sleep or deep slumber is not calm n poise... usually humans tend to wake up with a fright or an unpleasant feeling after a bad dream... the reason is during the rem period both the subconscious and the conscious minds are both active and work in tandem... reciprocation of data as to put it in the comp related language happens.. and this is registered in the memory if the conscious mind....

a sweet dream is most of the times forgotten since it occurs durind the nrem period where the conscious mind is at rest and there is no reciprocation or the registering of the data from the subconscious mind.... lack of transformation of data...or loss pf packets in the neural network.... nrem is a period where the state of mind is absolutely like an iceberg.....cool and very beautiful to look at... and the feel is at peace.... it's a wonderful feeling one would wish to experience while working with the conscious mind....

oh!!!!!! not again.... why do i need to write this on my blog???? is it something that everyone can relate to??? ofcourse we all r humans atleast who care read my blog... yet another random thought of a chaotic conscious mind i would say..... turmoil everywhere are the words of the day...... oh!!!! not again.... i guess sometimes my alter ego takes over me.... no no suri i better stop before crapping some dirty crap about MPD... go away now....... but this time it makes me happy and i feel good that i've stuck to one language... and makes me proud of my profess about one language (although not even a percent).... stop stop stop!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrrr

PERCEPTION..............SO RELATIVE

heege maththe bareyona antha koothe....sumne heege maththomme manassinallirodanna geechona antha..... of course am being banal antha anstha ide...yen maadodu ond ondsala mind blank aagibiduththe.... mukthadalli CSP heltaralla haage..... this is again the state of a chaotic mind i guess..... neways let's cut the crap.... sumaaru dinagala kelage yeradu natakagalannu nodidde.... B.Jayashree tandada vatiyinda Chitrapata...... maththe innondu Benaka tandadinda eka vyakti prayoga Aahata by T.S.Nagabharana.
Chitrapata was such a beautiful play which made me think think and think again about a lot of things in life. Let me give u a glimpse of the play. After the whole episode of the Ramayana and when everything was going the happily lived ever after kinds... Shoorpanaki in disguise as Seetha's friend meets her and forces to tell her about the long dead Ravana... seetha denies that she had ever seen ravana... but after a lot of coaxing and forcing she admits to her friend that she indeed had seen ravana once.... her friend who being shoorpanaki in diguise now forces her to draw a sketch of ravana.....ofcourse one has to agree that ravana was a really handsome man though..... seetha draws the portrait of ravana without his eyes.... which she believes would make him alive again.... in the absence of seetha shoorpanaki draws the eyes and the potratit comes alive as ravana again.... what a radical idea that has been expressed here in this play.... amazing athyaadbhuta..... all the while when seetha is devoted to her husband Lord Rama.... she still carries that image, that persona, that picture of another handsome man, who being cruel of unjust or what ever had just become an undeleteable file on the registry of the hard drie of her mind.... goes to say that Ramanigaagi pathivrathe aagidrunoo kooda somewhere in the back of her mind she was still thinkng about RAVANA....

Aahata......

idu innondu extreme of thinking ansuththe... ee nataka baredirodu H.S.Venkateshamoorthy
here a character called Rudraachari is introduced who is a look alike of Duryodhana.. the poor soul rudraachari is just another theatre artist who wants to make it big in life.... he heads to Hastinapura in serach of his fortune... there he is abducted by the kingsmen and then he is trained to be the Duryodhana... the concept that the creator of the play has brought out is that duryodhana could be so bad that he can risk some one else' s life for his gain....

when some one sees these two plays... one can defintiely how much of thinking has gone into each one.... and how each creator has percieved the characters... one shows the darkside of the good character and the otehr shows the even darker side of a darker character.... now when i call the characters good or dark i think this is again perception rather i would disagree with it being as a common notion though... as it seems to me that perception is so relative... does ne one think how thin the line could be between the perceptions??? I guess one who lives on that thin line could be called a perfectionist..... but do u really find perectionists at all? Well again it happens very usually...very much in every one's life... sometimes we form an opinion about someone based on our perceptions..... and we assume that we are right again the assumption of us being right also seems to be a perception.... and the perception is usually so strong that one tends to get biased about his opinion , his thinking and his thought process is kind of stagnant... why dont we open ourselves to the world beyond perception.... why dont we just throw the boundaries of perceptions and assumptions .... why cant we start being perfectionists in the world where ppl dont really stand on the line.... lets live on the line ....lets become perfectionists......